Some ask the question: Why am I so real? But they don’t understand me.

And really don’t know the deal.

Learn the deal.

As I type this, a weird , super bold font is appearing, instead of my usual meek and mild non threatening text. It makes me feel like issuing a mandate. But the question is, when I hit the “Publish” button, will this executive, forceful typeface revert itself back to the limp, emasculated font that I normally see? If it does, any “mandate” I may issue will seem laughable, and I will become not unlike a eunuch in the eye of the reader.

I’d better not risk it. Fascism, my brand of fascism, will have to wait until the Stock Market crashes again. Then this blog will become a very, very different animal.

BACK FROM HEROES CON….!

And if you didn’t go, you didn’t get to see me pretending to be human.

Heroes Convention is in Charlotte, North Carolina, and it’s basically what New Jersey would look like if the Mormons had settled there instead of Utah. Everyone is polite, even when I snicker, sneer and snarl. Sharis is funny. She tries to instruct me on manners and etiquette as though we were in Ahmedabad instead of a friendly little suburb of the United States. Sample:

Scene: Grocery store check out line. Sharis places some muffins and milk on the conveyor belt, Ethan looks at a roll of duct tape on the Impulse Buy rack.

Cashier: Hello, Good Morning!
Sharis (with drawl re-emerging) : Good Morning to you!
(Pause, Ethan still looks at duct tape)
Sharis(whispering, with elbow nudge): Ethan….say “Good Morning” to the man…
Ethan: Oh, uh, Good Morning.

And…..SCENE.

I know how to be sunny and polite, I’m just saving it for when I really need it, like if I meet Jeanette Kahn or someone. I am no one’s rainbow, and I never said I was.

The convention was really nice though. I did hear a complaint. Someone, clearly a Yankee, said to me, “I dunno! This show is so…quiet!” And he was right. There wasn’t a single person blaring death metal from their black velvet cowskull decorated booth, and it just didn’t feel like 1996. I blame the lack of CHAOS! comics for the tranquility, and long for the days of a decade ago, when Billy Tucci would ride a motorcycle onto the convention floor. As a popular artist of the current scene, I ought to play a guitar whilst hangliding through Artist Alley. I’ll figure that out for next year.

Sharis had some friends from the Comic Bloc boards out to see her. Chris (Evilscratch) and his wife Meredith, plus their clever little son Connor (Conner?), who is the same age as Hunter. They all got along really well while I spent the weekend drawing and meeting fans.

Here’s why I’m hard to love: Poor Chris decided he’d like to revisit the John Byrne Sharpie marker incident that I was tangentally involved in by playing a small joke on me. If you are unaware of the ‘incident’ I just mentioned, it was one of those silly internet scandals that happens when you suggest that Byrne may ink his comics with a Sharpie marker, and no one on his message board finds it amusing at all, least of all Byrne himself. And then people accuse me of being “unprofessional”, as if the profession I was engaged in and failed at was Minister of Propoganda for John Byrne. There’s the background info.

Anyhow, I’m sitting at my table drawing a scary picture of Green Arrow. In the drawing, Ollie needs to look bad ass, which could and did mean, gritted teeth and a scowly expression. For some reason, when I’m drawing happy people, I smile, and when I’m drawing scowly people, I scowl. It may help me with the intensity of the drawing, or it may just mean that I’m silly. Make your own call.

In the midst of deep concentration and focus, my peripheral vision picks up a hand placing an unopened pack of Sharpie markers on my table to my immediate left. A voice starts to say, “Here. I thought you could use these…(At which point I heighten my gaze, unaware that I am still making scowly face, as he finishes)…to ink with!”

My brain hasn’t recognized Chris, a fellow I’d just met over breakfast, but not yet fully catalogued into the “FRIENDLY ACQUAINTANCE” section of my recall yet. Not only that, it’s very common for people to bring me fresh new Sharpie markers with which to sign their newly CGC Graded Green Lantern comics with, in order to make sure that the signature is bright and clean.

So I think I said, with face still scowled, “Oh…uh……..”

And…neurons started firing…..

“Oh! Chris! Ha ha!”

But it was utterly unconvincing.

On the drive home, Sharis let me know that Chris had mentioned our little moment together, saying something like, “Ethan didn’t think it was funny at all.” Poor guy! It was amusing, it just happened at a clunky moment, dammit. I’ll be better prepared for friendly ribbing next time.

The Green Arrow drawing looked cool however. So it was a trade off.

Okay, so now that we know and understand eachother a little bit better, I will sign off for the day. The reply box below is for your usage!

Love forever,
Ethan

Hey all, Sharis here. Just letting you know that for May 6th, (FREE COMIC BOOK DAY!!!!!) Ethan will be at Yancy Street Comics in New P0rt Richey, FL.

Yancy Street Comics.
6843 State Rd 54
New Port Richey, FL 34653-6032

(727) 844-0888

Artists scheduled to appear:
Ron Marz
Mark Texeira
Ethan Van Sciver
Chuck Dixon
Jimmy Palmiotti
Amanda Conner
John Taddeo
Don Hillsman
Drew Geraci

See you there!

Bring Ethan some cookies. He’s tired of Numbat stew and Soylent Greens every night.

Marvel Select IRON MAN advance sneak peek.

Now that’s a suit of armor designed by a drunk. They need to put me on Iron Man. Oh what fun. I understand mechanics and mechanisms. I’ll tell you why in a second.

Firstly, let me acknowledge the fact that it’s a beautiful morning here in Orlando. I can feel the sunlight, even through my drawn, dark crimson velvet curtains. These curtains make me feel like Gary Oldman in DRACULA for some reason. Pale, gothic and effeminate, with a butt-shaped hairdo. That’s why I hung them. To make my head feel buttlike.

This morning I correctly estimated the relation of my tires to the road, and successfully squashed a soda can that someone had left in the parking lot. I had to swerve way out of my way to do this, mind you, coming within inches of a row of garages, but it was worth it. The can gave way under my front left tire with a satisfying crunch, and I said, “Yes, bitch!” to myself. Not aloud. To myself.

My joy at accomplishing this was further compounded when I saw in my rearview mirror that the can had been at least partially full of soda at the moment of impact. I could clearly see the can, completely and perfectly flattened from the top downward, and it was floating in a puddle of what I hope was Pepsi Cola. At this, I rejoiced. My car and I finally understood eachother. I could probably do it again.

“Did you feel that, Hunter?” I was driving him to school, you see. “Daddly crushed a soda can.”

I think he was impressed.

I flipped on the AM radio to Genuine Oldies 810 just in time to catch the beginning few notes of “Good Morning Starshine.” Effin’ A. What a horrible song. What a great way to start a day, for me and my son.

HANDSOME DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN

I think it’s important to mention that despite the savage butchery done to my hair not too long ago, and the consequent growing of a goatee to even out the face, it’s finally safe to say that my bald days are behind me. You may have inferred that from my comments about having a butt on my head, (see above) but let me actually clarify and make plain to the public that my hair has grown back. With that crisis having been averted, I felt secure enough to finally shave my face again.

Some people were worried. I felt it was my responsibility to keep you informed.

EVS REVIEWS!

I’ve consumed art, literature and film in the last month, partially digested it, and I’m ready to spew forth my recommendations now. Let’s have a look at:

WHO’S LOOKING OUT FOR YOU? By Bill O’Reilly

The answer? According to Bill O’Reilly, Bill O’Reilly is looking out for you.

Bill, you pixie. I know you had your eyes done. You look like a little leprechaun now, with your little smirk on the book’s cover.

I think I read twenty pages of this in an airport, and I’ve got the gist. Bill would like you to know that he is the best guy to be friends with. He looks out for his friends. He takes them to huge Bilderburger style parties in ski resorts with Trilateralists. He values them. And if only you could be his friend…

But you can’t.

Oh, and his dad beat him when he was a kid.

And lawyers are scum.

The worst part of this book, (at least the first twenty pages of it, which is all I managed before I had to board my plane) is that it’s clearly written for very, very stupid people. Many of you know that I am a fascist conservative and wish to oppress and enslave everyone but my friends and family. On this, I assume, Bill O’Reilly and I find common ground. But please write up to me, Bill. I’m not your child. You needn’t continue the cycle with me through your work. You are perhaps the clumsiest, silliest writer I’ve ever read, and I WORK IN COMICS.

Be looking out for me, Bill. I want my 14 dollars back.

PROFIT, the Complete Series

I’ll probably hear back about the fascist conservative oppressor comment. I was kidding.

Sort of.

Anyhow, a much more positive review. A few weeks ago I was recommended this, PROFIT, a brilliant-but-cancelled tv show from around 1995. I’m forever grateful. If only I was recommended this via Amazon.com, so I could give someone a Helpful vote.

PROFIT starred the guy who married the fat Dixie Chick. Adrian something or other. He played a guy named Jim Profit who sleeps naked in a cardboard box and takes over a company by betraying all of his peers and acquaintances. He’s the devil himself! Only not literally.

This show is extremely addictive, in the best tradition of an HBO show. But it was on FOX, sadly. The first episode contains a scene wherein a beautiful woman walks into the office and kisses Jim Profit deeply for several seconds. The kiss ends. Jim pauses.

“Hi, mom.”

And it goes from there. FOX wasn’t the right network for a show like this, obviously. Although it garnered rave reviews, it lasted 9 episodes, and was quietly pulled.

All nine episodes are here, safely preserved on DVD, fortunately. I love this show. Have a look at it.

PLANET OF THE APES, THE ULTIMATE EDITION

This is the single best thing I’ve ever purchased in my life. And I’m not a longtime Planet of the Apes fan. In fact, this was the first time I’ve ever seen the original movie.

But I knew it was time to finally learn of a planet where apes have evolved from men when I saw that cool, 3/4 scale apehead that the dvds would be packaged in.

Look, this monkey contains all 5 original Apes films, the entire television series, the entire animated series that followed, and the severely and hatefully underrated Tim Burton re-imagining from 2001. Plus, it’s got documentaries, trailers, and lots of other cool stuff.

The apehead itself is a thing of beauty. The detail is astonishing, with working zippers on the flightsuit and hair that you can trim into a mohawk. The dvd packaging fits into a compartment located on the ape’s back, which you can find by opening a velcro flap. The slot that the dvd box fits into is CARPETTED. That’s how much work went into this thing!

Since I bought it, I’ve watched the first four apes films. They’re revelatory to me, especially the first one. I’m a Rod Serling fan, and his voice is all over the script. Great stuff. And if I were married to Kim Hunter, I’d make her wear the ape make up for the rest of her life. Would that be sick?

Let me also make myself understood here: Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes was a great little movie. It took the original concept to the Nth degree, and nothing in any of the original apes movies has anything on Thade forcing Marky Mark’s mouth open and snarling into it, “Is there a soul in there?” Awesome. It needs to be taken on it’s own merits, and shouldn’t be compared against the well loved original.

IN CLOSING…

Well, that’s all for today kids. I must go and draw some things. Today, Ben Morse at Wizard will receive a FED EX medium box which will contain sketches, perpetuating the myth that all comic book artists keep “sketchbooks”, in which they do practice drawings for fun. I wish I had time for that! Anyhow, May’s issue of Wizard will contain a little section previewing art for SUPERMAN/BATMAN, including character sketches and commentary from Mark Verheiden and I. I hope you enjoy.

If you see a can, crush it. Have a good day.

I came to get down.

Hi, it’s me, Ethan. Are you home? Listen, thanks for all of the lovely responses to my blog here. I really appreciate the outpouring of love and/or concern. It’s good to know you’re there. And if I ever need someone to come over and spot blacks or ink backgrounds for Superman/Batman, I’ll know where to turn. A few thousand readers with pens could wrap up a comic book fairly quickly. Come on over.

Oh, why do I have this blog anyhow? I really shouldn’t be expressing myself in any way. It’s unsafe. I’m starting to get sort of famous, and people already think I’m mentally ill. This can’t be helping matters. I was at Wizard World Los Angeles last week, and Danny Miki comes up to my table, “Hey, it’s crazy Ethan! What’s up Ethan? You’re crazy!”

Nice to meet you, too. I guess people are more open in California. In Florida, people just say hello.

Sharis just brought me breakfast. Eggs and chicken apple sausages. I’ll eat while I type.

A HELPFUL KINDA GUY

I’m trying to be helpful. That’s my new thing. How can I be helpful? Well, there’s one clear way to gauge one’s helpfulness, and that’s by writing reviews for Amazon.com. People actually vote on how helpful you’ve been! I’ve only just begun this, but here, let me share my Amazon.com reviews with you. Maybe they’ll be of help to you too!

Reviews Written by
Ethan D. Van Sciver (Orlando, FL)

Reviewer Rank: 148167 Page: 1

Crash (2-Disc Director’s Cut Edition) DVD ~ Karina Arroyave

Price: $19.96

Availability: Not yet released

16 of 26 people found the following review helpful:
(Alright, Amazon is a ‘glass is half full’ type of site. To me, 10 out of 26 people are calling me useless here. I can’t see why they’d think that. My review follows….)

Educational and fun. A joy to watch., March 12, 2006

I learned from CRASH, the special two disc widescreen dvd, that Los Angeles is a cartoonishly racist place to live. People spout off bigoted and evil nonsense, and then, ironically, some of them turn out to be justified! I also learned that good communication skills are vital when trying to speak to a shopkeeper whose lock you are trying to fix. If it turns out that he needs a whole new door, but you’ve replaced his lock anyway, actually taking him over to show him the new lock you’ve installed and how he still may want to replace his door could avoid a long and pointless screaming match. Visual aides always help.

I learned that spending a lot of camera time focused on a 60 year old man trying unsuccessfully to make wee-wee in a closet-sized bathroom causes a viewer to squint and look away, eventually to become involved in picking at his or her fingernails.

There was a very pleasant scene between a father and his 5 year old daughter in which he gave her what he claimed was an invisible bullet deflecting cloak that was given to him by a fairy. I thought that was good, because then the movie would have to kill one of them. Either the dad, for irony’s sake, or the child, so we could all be sad when she looked at her dad and said, “But the fairy told you a bullet couldn’t hurt me.” I wondered if it would be pathos or irony? Irony or pathos? My tears were eager to flow, either way.

I never found out, because after 51:03 into the film, I couldn’t take anymore. I’ll try and get back to it later, to find out if there’s any hope for Los Angeles and social justice. In the meantime, I’m left looking at the second disc in my WideScreen Two Disc Deluxe Edition, and I’m wondering what could have been encoded on this bit of plastic instead of interviews with Sandra Bullock and Matt Dillon? The Magnificent Ambersons has yet to see DVD release. A special edition of The Paradine Case? It boggles the mind.
Skip this one and get WALK THE LINE, which in actual fact was last years best film.

——————————————————————————–

A Letter to Three Wives DVD ~ Jeanne Crain

Price: $10.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

22 used & new from $8.99

1 of 1 people found the following review helpful:

(I’m a consumate film buff. I view and review all manner of film. Even movies from the 50’s! Even CHIK-FLIX from the 50’s! Like this one. And I’m batting 1000 here. One person looked to me for help, and one person considered themselved ‘helped’.)

I’ve been penetrated and saturated!, March 12, 2006
What a great film! They don’t make them like this anymore, do they? Sharp wit and sly innuendo by genuis writer/director Joseph L. Mankiewicz, and a delightful cameo appearance by former crooner and hunting dog enthusiast Carl Switzer! (He is told that he smells bad.)

Only in 1949 could the effects of radio advertising be described as “penetrating and saturating” without further comment from an Adam Sandler type of character. Mankiewicz absolutely rules!

——————————————————————————–

Superman III DVD ~ Christopher Reeve

Price: $9.97

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

20 used & new from $6.86
(This one is disappointing to me. Nobody is looking to me for help about whether or not to buy the DVD release of this film. And if only they would! My review.)

Metropolis is a stupid place to live, apparently., March 11, 2006
The opening sequence of Superman III is a 10 minute bit of slapstick that will make you physically ill. It’s very hard to watch. It makes you fear that Superman will finally arrive with a little Chaplin moustache and a cane. Horrid.

Also, a question to the late Richard Pryor: Why did you play your role of a guy who realizes a latent talent as a computer whiz as a guy who can barely formulate a thought and speak it as a complete sentence? You were also very hard to watch.

Richard Lester, shame on you. What happened to you in the twenty some years between A HARD DAYS NIGHT and this? Why do you hate us so?

It goes to show, not everyone can be the Beatles, and not everyone can be Richard Donner.

——————————————————————————–

Alfred Hitchcock Presents - Season One DVD ~ Alfred Hitchcock Presents

Price: $31.99

Availability: Usually ships in 24 hours

24 used & new from $28.19

5 of 6 people found the following review helpful:
(And finally, this, me at my most helpfullest! Who was the one bastard that clicked the “No” button when asked if my review was helpful?! I demand a recount!

What, Universal doesn’t think Hitchcock has fans?, March 11, 2006
I’m an Alfred Hitchcock devotee, and more importantly, a dvd junkie. When I heard that Alfred Hitchcock Presents would finally see a DVD treatment, I salivated. I was very excited. I think I may have marked the release date on my calendar. But the price of the set worried me. I think it was retailing for around 30 to 40 dollars. I was afraid Universal was going to skimp on quality. I was right.

Look, enough with the double sided discs. IMAGE has managed to thrill fans and dvd collectors with their treatment of THE TWILIGHT ZONE and the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. Both of these shows had a minimum number of episodes per disc, each disc separately packaged in a slimline case, and extras alotted to each individual episode. They played like a dream, and were terrific fun to watch and collect. For this, IMAGE asked a higher, and fair, price.

Universal, please, listen. Do it right and charge us what you need to. We only want archival and quality prints of ALFRED HITCHCOCK PRESENTS with all available extras. The episodes should be properly spaced out on single sided discs, and we’ll be grateful for whatever oddities are stored away if you slap them on there as extras. Produce a high quality product, and the millions of Alfred Hitchcock fans will pay for it.

Hitchcock deserves the same respect as Morey Amsterdam, that’s all I’m saying.
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Well, that’s all I’ve done so far. But rest assured, I’ll never stop being helpful, or at least offering my help to those seeking it, on Amazon.com. It’s the least I can do. It actually is.

Alright, time to go back to work. I love you all.

Hey all, Sharis here. I’m um…”borrowing” Ethan’s blog to tell everyone to please stop by and say “hi” if you are at Wizard World L.A. this weekend. I’m excited to put faces to the screen names!

Also, it was Hunter’s birthday on Monday, so if ya see him, please say “Happy Birthday.” (He’ll love that!)

Hope to meet you all soon!

Sharis
(bunnyblog soon)

This coming weekend is the big Wizard World Los Angeles convention, and we’ll be there! I haven’t been to California since 1997, so I’m hoping to meet a lot of new fans, and see some old friends I haven’t seen in years. This is also the last convention I’m attending for a long time, since I’d like to make 2006 about producing as many comic books as I can. So I’m hoping this one will be special.

Here’s my plan: First of all, I won’t be doing any commissioned work at this show. Instead, I’ll appear at the Wizard booth during my scheduled hours to sign comics. And that’s all I’ll do there. I’ll only sign comics. The hours that I’m not signing books for Wizard, I’ll be at the DC Comics booth, doing free sketches! And I’ll only sketch at the DC booth, no signings.

This way, I’ll be able to accomodate the maximum number of fans the quickest way possible. People who only want signatures won’t have to wait in a slower moving sketch line, and people who want sketches won’t have to feel guilty for making signature seekers wait. Everyone wins.

Check the Wizard booth and the DC booth for my scheduled signing and sketching times, and make sure to drop by! I’m looking foward to it. And I hope somebody asks me to draw Kilowog!

Holland’s King of Comics

It’s still very sad, even after one whole day has gone by, to say goodbye to Norm Rapmund. They say time heals all wounds, but so far, they’re lying bastards. To continue my exclusive interview with Norm from 2002 is the only fitting way I can think of to mourn this great man.

The conclusion of that interview follows. Raw and uncensored.

Norm Rapmund– a man whose career is almost half a century long. The last decade has seen him reach the very pinnacle of what can be achieved in comic books. Holland knows him as the master of the funnies, with his early work on books like HANSEL PRUNE and HARD CANDY KID. They also know him for his later, groundbreaking work on HANGING JUDGE, which is the very title captivated American comic book publisher Rob Liefeld, compelling him to practically beg Rapmund to come to the U.S.A. to work for the brand new IMAGE COMICS label.
Despite the controversy that followed his tenure at EXTREME STUDIOS, Norm managed to reinvent himself, turning his artistic attention towards the comics of Japan. Kind of. We pick up where yesterday’s portion left of.

Ethan Van Sciver: By ‘new’, you mean what some people call “American Anime”. You couldn’t be a comic book fan back then and not notice the trend turning towards…uh..that big feet and big eyes thing that Joe Madureira was doing..

Norm Rapmund: I noticed it. And I was thinking, you know, “Americans can do anime and it becomes like this, but say–what if a Dutchman did an American doing Japanese?” Ahhh! A-ha!

EVS: So that was the thought process that led to ‘That Yellow Bastard’? That you would take–you would bring your own European sensibility to an American’s imitation of the Japanese’s sensibility?

NR: Now you see. When you say it like that, it sounds stupid. Stop saying it.

EVS: I apologize. Please go on.

NR: Yeah. I’m thinking all of this and trying to make my wife understand, but she is not an artist. She says I am talking gibberish. Maybe I was, you know, maybe I was talking gibberish, because I was drinking–I was drinking a lot, almost all of the time. With some of the guys that worked at the Extreme studio. Some of them were not happy. Dan Fraga, that fellow. He would take me to these odd discos, and we would have drinks. He was a good man. He was another good looking kid, but he wasn’t a f–he wasn’t gay. He loved women. Loved them. We worked together again later, you know, on some other books at Marvel Comics. WOLVERINE.

EVS: Fairly recently.

NR: Yeah.

EVS: I almost hesitate to bring this up, but we kind of have to….It’s important, I think–I mean, I want people to understand why..

NR: Why I tried to kill Rob Liefeld? I know what you are getting at. If you want to ask something, ask it.

EVS: Okay, uh, how come you, uh, tried to, you know, kill Rob Liefeld?

NR: It was all a misunderstanding that got–it got out of hand. It didn’t happen like they say it did. Wizard’s Guide to Comics lies like dogs. Bastard scum of the earth.

It happened like this. Rob, you know, he was funny. He would ask me if I could ‘kick his ass’. He would ask me all the time. And I would say, “Rob, why are you asking this of me? I do not want to kick your ass. I’m an old man.” But he would always keep with asking me. Same question. So finally, I say, “I could kick your ass if you ask me that question again!” And, you know, he got it. He understood.

Some of those kids in there were crazy. They would talk about guns, and killing people, and all of this crazy talk. They were kids, you know? Talking like kids. And one day one of them was talking about his plan to kill everyone in the studio. It was just imaginary, you know, harmless. But it was stupid. His plan would never have worked. I told him it would not work, because I know such things. I work in fiction a long time. I know that the best way to kill all of Extreme studios would be to take the secretary hostage in her office first thing in the morning, and eliminate everyone one by one as they came in, you know. You would have–you would have a place to store the bodies, and plenty of surprise. So we are talking about this over lunch, and one of the kids told Rob Liefeld I was planning to murder everyone. Just because of this talk at lunch! As if I would murder anyone!

EVS: I see.

NR: I did not know anyone told Rob Liefeld. At work the next day, everyone purchased large balsa wood airplane gliders. You know the kind. Big airplanes that fly, you know. And they all, including Rob Liefeld, they all went to the top of the office building to throw them at passing cars.

EVS: Okay. Right…

NR: So they all go into one corner to throw their planes, and I go over to that same corner to watch. Rob Liefeld, he looks scared, and he moves to a different corner. Everyone else follows him.

EVS: Oh…

NR: So I follow them too. Rob Liefeld moves again!

EVS: I see. He thought…

NR: He thought I wanted to throw him off the building! I didn’t!

EVS: No.

NR: And it was all over the place, “Norm Rapmund tries to kill boss!” I never did!! And then that was all for me and Extreme Studios. It was over.

EVS: (clears throat) Let’s, uh, let’s try to get back on track here. Your wife went back to Finland soon after this incident, right?

NR: She did. It was what she wanted. I don’t try to stop women from doing things, if they want to do things. They come, they go, they stay, they leave. I am only alive for a short time, you know? I am not here to be Superman.

EVS: No.

NR: I was reading POKEMON comic books now. All I could get. Especially the early issues. POKEMON magazines had spirit, you know? They had—they made me imagine things. The very earliest POKEMON magazines, from the 1970’s were dark and much more–much scarier. Creepy.

EVS: Yes.

NR: Pikachu would not say ‘Pika pika’, you know. Never.

EVS: No.

NR: His victims did. Out of fear.

EVS: Exactly!

NR: He would not announce himself that way, to say, “Pika Pika Pika chu” would be to take away his mystery. He was a Pocket Monster. Not the stuffed bear he was to become later.

EVS: Yes! I have to say, I’m impressed that you’re not more jaded–no, I don’t mean that. I mean, I’m surprised at the enthusiasm you still have for this…or I’m…

NR: (clears throat loudly) SO, I began to work for VIZ Comics, on PIKACHU: THAT YELLOW BASTARD.

EVS: YES!!! I’m sorry, I couldn’t wait to get to this part. I’m a big fan of that particular book!

NR: Thank you very much. It was my idea, you know, to take Pikachu back to his origins. The dark pocket monster. The electric mouse that runs up your clock and knocks the brain out of your head, you know.

EVS: Yes, yes…I know!

NR: It took me two years to finish. I put my blood in that.

EVS: Oh, uh, do you mean that literally? Because I heard–it’s a rumor. Nevermind.

NR: Of course that is true. I used my own blood for part of it. It is mixed with the ink.

EVS: Huuunh…..

NR: Yes.

EVS: I have a question, though. Is Ash dead at the end of the story? It’s left hanging, you know. You never really said.

NR: Ash represented purity and hope.

And yes, he is dead.

EVS: Well, I have to say, this was a privilege, and I’m grateful for the chance to speak with you. It was also amazing to have you inking over my pencils on WILDCHILD and NEW X-MEN. Thank you.

NR: Yes.

EVS: Any last words for people listeni–or reading?

NR: No.

EVS: Okay, thank you again!

With the sad news that comics legend Norman Rapmund has passed on into eternity at the age of 85, I thought it would be appropriate to rerun this interview I did with him in back in 2002 to honor his memory. It’s a two part interview, and I’ll post the second half tomorrow.

Norm Rapmund 1921-2006. R.I.P

Rappin’ with Rapmund! pt. 1

Norm Rapmund is a veteran of the comic’s business, having worked steadily since 1954, where he first broke hearts and emptied pocketbooks with his work over European sensation Hilde Lukke on “Hansel Prune”. Decades of inking the finest pencillers overseas brought him to the attention of American comic book companies, and in the 90’s he found himself working at Extreme Studios on TEAM YOUNGBLOOD over American sensation and heart throb, Chap Yaep.
He is best known, however, for his work on POKEMON comics, specifically his PIKACHU graphic novel, “That Yellow Bastard” for which he is creditted with bringing back the grim and gritty feel of the character that had been absent for so many years prior. I was honored to sit with him recently, and find out his thoughts.

Ethan Van Sciver: Mr. Rapmund, good to see you. How are you feeling?

Norm Rapmund: Whuh? Oh, I am fine. What can I do you for?

EVS: Sir, people have said that you are responsible for the gigantic Dutch comic book boom of the 80’s and early 90’s. You’d worked for nearly 40 years in Holland, on some books that many of the people who know your work now, here in America, may not be aware of.

NR: No. I do not think many Americans have heard of those old books, but I am assuming that the things I was working on in Holland wouldn’t translate well–I mean to say, Americans know so little of Dutch culture, I think they’d be lost. It is all windmills and wooden shoes to them. And I love America, but I wish they would shut up about that crap. It pisses me off. I do not own any wooden shoes, and even if I did, I would not ever wear them.

EVS: No, I wouldn’t either. But what I’m getting at is–your work, especially towards the end of your career in Holland, was so marvelously original and compelling. You were selling millions of copies HANGING JUDGE each month, people knew you on the streets, right? You had unheard of publicity, I mean, at least, here in the States it would be unheard of.

NR: That is not my fault.

EVS: Of course not, and I guess I’d like to skip ahead to 1991 and ask how you were contacted by IMAGE COMICS. Right? Because you were at the top of your game in Europe. What was the pitch that made you decide to leave all of that and move to California?

NR: Yes, well, I can recall that the Image Comics Group was being formed and a young man phoned me up at a very early hour. I was sleeping. He says, “Hello” and I say, “Hello” and then it’s all this, “you are great, you are the maestro” and I was sleeping, you know? So I thought this guy was full of crap, and I hung up on him.

The next day, he calls back, tells me he is sorry, he didn’t know the time difference, and he tells me his name is Bob Liefeld, and that he would like to bring me to America, because he is such a big fan of the HANGING JUDGE, and so on, like that. So then he hangs up on me. Accident.

EVS: Ha ha, really?

NR: Yes, he was on his cellular phone, you know, driving around. So I don’t know what to think now.

EVS: Did you think he was on the level?

NR: Oh, I don’t know. I guess I did, or maybe I was not listening carefully. I was busy with other things, you know?

EVS: Sure. So he called you back…

NR: Yes, he did. And do you know what he said to me? He said he would make America love me. That is what made me say to him, “I will come” because I wasn’t even known in America. There is something good about being well known in America. My wife did not want to go. She is Finnish, you know, and she didn’t want to leave our home. Ha ha. She can be so silly sometimes. Women!
Mr. Liefeld brought us first class air tickets to Los Angeles then, and sent them. I made my wife understand, you know. This would be a good thing for us.

EVS: Right. Your first project for Rob Liefeld and Extreme studios was…

NR: Oh, it was the..uh..it will come, the BRIGADE. I was to ink over this American penciller. Mychaels.

EVS: Marat Mychaels. What were your thoughts, and how was the whole experience?

NR: They were all children! I was in this workplace, I was 64 at the time, and there were all of these children drawing and throwing balls, you know. Playing loud music. Awful music. Like two cats mating. You know the kind of music.

EVS: 90’s music.

NR: Yes, and it was…it was awful.

EVS: What did you think of BRIGADE?

NR: It was…it…was…different than what I was used to, you know? The artists I worked with in Holland, you know, were–they had some training. School. Education is important there. This was not what I was accustomed to.

EVS: How did you end up with Chap Yaep?

NR: Chap was an American pop star. You know? Pop star. He had made some hit records, mostly for girls. Like a pin up magazine kid. But was wasn’t femin–he wasn’t gay, you know. Chap was very straight. But he just did the pop music, you know. Make some money. Whatever the hell.
So Liefeld brought him over to draw the TEAM YOUNGBLOOD book, which was good. You know, because YOUNGBLOOD needed a..Rob called it a ’sister book’. And he thought, you know, get this pop star celebrity to draw a comic book, you make lots of money, get publicity. American comics aren’t so good about publicity.

EVS: Right.

NR: So now I’m inking Chap Yaep, an excellent illustrator, classically trained, good schools, you know, and we made some magic. You know the way it went from there.

EVS: Yes, sir I do. Several reprintings of that TEAM YOUNGBLOOD collaboration, coffee table editions. It’s all classic now.

NR: But no publicity. It did well inside, you know, inside the bubble, but it wasn’t like Holland. Not at all. Not at all.

EVS: Why, do you think?

NR: How should I know? I think all kinds of things, but I think them to myself. I am not out to villainize, make anyone out to be the bad guy. We did our best. I did. But Liefeld had his head in the stars, right? He wanted to own the American comic book industry. He wanted what I had. And he blamed me for not ‘bringing the A Game’ whatever that means.

EVS: So, he removed you from TEAM YOUNGBLOOD, didn’t he?

NR: Oh yes. He did. And I was forced to work on these pissy little books no one cared about.

EVS: Why did you work on them then?

NR: I had no choice! My wife is yelling at me, telling me she is going back to Finland, you know. We had no money, I am trapped. So I am inking MAXIMAGE and…(spits)

EVS: What led to “That Yellow Bastard”?

NR: All of this, you know? I tell them all to shove it. Those children there. I was finished with them. My wife was Finnish with me. Everything fell apart, and I was drinking more than usual. That was no good. I have liver problems. I would drink and read the X-MEN comic books, with the new American style. It was like Japanese. Very distinctive. And I decided to try something new.

(to be cont’d. tomorrow)

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

I had outrage that I didn’t get to utilize properly today. It went unspent. I don’t know where to direct it now, and it’s very confusing. This must be how Daffy Duck feels when he’s about to throw a cherry bomb at Bugs Bunny, and Bugs calmly walks around behind him, licks his fingers, and puts out the fuse. Did that ever happen in a Warner Bros. cartoon? I couldn’t possibly have imagined something that vividly. Chuck Jones directed the animated scene I may have just imagined.

Anyhow, in my continued quest to deprive the rest of humanity of the joy of being around me, I discovered that one of the reasons that I crawled out of my studio was completely unnecessary. And I have the internet to thank! I’ll bet Al Gore never realized that when he invented the internet it would help to make me a troglodyte. If he knew, he’d feel bad. I don’t want to tell him.

But it turns out, I don’t have to drive to the art supply store anymore! I can just use DickBlick.com! I needed some tech pen tips, (which retail for about twenty dollars) so I ordered them on my computer. And today, the happy, helpful Fed Ex man that calls me Mr. Van Shaver brought them to me in a padded envelope. (To my Fed Ex guy, if he’s reading: My FATHER is Mr. Van Shaver. Just call me Evan, please.)

Here’s what I ordered: Two very fine tech pen tips. Two EXTREMELY MICROSCOPICALLY FINE, FOR DRAWING EYELASHES ON RAY PALMER tech pen tips. Four total.

Here’s what I received: Two very fine tech pen tips. One Ray Palmer eyelash drawing pen tip, and ONE EMPTY BLISTERPACK CARD WITH NO PEN TIP IN IT!!!!

It was a stark act of violence. I couldn’t move for a few minutes. I picked up the tiny, weightless package. I turned it sideways to see if the pen tip was in there, just well hidden. No. My first impression, that the blisterpack was intact but empty, devoid of a tiny pen tip suitable for drawing the bubbles in a champagne glass, was validated. There was nothing left to do but cry.

But lo! There was an inventory sheet packed with my order! It perpetuated the lie that I’d already uncovered, that there were four pen tips enclosed, when in actual fact, there were only three. The good news reported by this inventory sheet was that Dick Blick.com had customer service, and a telephone number to call in an emergency.

“Ma’am, you won’t believe this…but every word of it is true”, I sputtered. “I attempted to avoid contact with the guy that runs the art supply shop in Downtown Orlando by using your website, and it didn’t turn out well at all!”

“Oh no, sir! What is your order number?”, she asked very kindly. I started to calm down a little. Something about the way she first addressed my panic, and then immediately took steps to correct it reassured me. She probably encountered problems like this all the time. And although she was employed by Dick Blick.com, I felt that these situations weren’t her fault. She was the solution, not part of the problem.

I gave her my order number, and described the gruesome and depressing empty pen nib package. I think, judging from her reaction, that the idealistic part of her was in denial. But the other part of her, the grounded and world-weary part, knew I couldn’t make something like that up. She told me that I didn’t need to mail back the offensive empty shell, and that she would overnight me a new pen nib at Dick Blick’s expense. Not only that, but she’d refund the shipping of my first order back to my credit card. And then….

…she apologized on behalf of Dick Blick.
Very impressive.

So in conclusion, thank you, DickBlick.com, for making it easier for me to live out my days as a shut-in. And thanks for defusing my anger like a cartoon I probably only dreamed about.

I’d like to also send a shout out to Lenil Francis Yu, whom I’ve never met. But he drew a picture of Sabretooth strangling Wolverine that was made into a t-shirt. And I am wearing that t-shirt right now. It’s very nice.

Adios!

First, I want to say I’m sorry. Second, thanks for coming back to my blog. I truly thought that after the last episode, you know, there’d be some awkwardness. I know what it’s like to exchange pleasantries with me after all that’s happened, as though you’ll say hello and I’ll suddenly clamp jumper cables to your nipples, but I’ve never done that. That’s your imagination. So put your arm down.

I’m completely harmless. I took my dogs out today, you know, to run around the yard and defecate. (Blue, the older of my two dogs, had a very successful 6 log squat, despite the fact that I made her eat an Egg McMuffin an hour earlier. No problems whatsoever. Like shaking dice out of a Yahtzee cup.) I became very conscious of the fact that although it was a beautiful Saturday morning, with temperatures in the low 70’s and a mild breeze that was picking up, nobody was around. None of my neighbors were coming out to distract me or make me feel silly about my Batman gaucho pants. This filled me with glee.

I realized that if I was ever going to fly a kite, today was the day. There aren’t many days when that realization strikes. When it’s time to fly a kite….

Holy Cow, I just realized that I may have shared too much, you know, about my dog’s digestive tract. I think I even compared the fecal matter emerging from Blue’s sit-upon portion to a popular American (? “Yahtzee?” Maybe it’s American…) pastime. Oh man. See, it doesn’t matter if I tell you about my kite flying adventure now, because you’ll still be dwelling on the steaming dog-logs that I uncharacteristically and inappropriately mentioned earlier. I could tell you about how I brought out my 8-foot Bat kite and went skipping and galavanting across the yard, trying to gain altitude, and all you’ll be wondering is, “did you step in any?” I’m going to change the subject.

And by the way, yes, I did get laughed at and had to shamefully bring my kite back inside. I’ll try again tomorrow.

On a different note, I get dozens of cards and letters each day asking how my Musical Autobiography is coming. To answer all at once, it’s coming very nicely. And thanks for the panties. It mostly encompasses my comic book career, such as it’s been, and is less of an actual chronological history of my life during that time than it is a self-obsessive naval gazing romp put to Oompah band music. For example, less attention is paid to my being mauled by a black bear during the making of FLASH: IRON HEIGHTS, and much more than necessary is made of insignificant events like the time John Byrne told me I should read up on Hitler or wallow in ignorance. To wit, the opening number, in which I dance with feathered showgirls and shirtless, oily gay men, goes like this:

(Jazzy intro, a Disco, Oompah, Gothic-Disney Dirge March)

Me: I…..KNOW….
Dames in Feathers: HE…..KNOWS….

(Music really rocks now, like Edgar Allen Poe hoola-hooping)

Me: I know lit’ler about Hitler than John Byrne!

I’ve never read a book a Nazi wouldn’t burn!

(a little dance number, in which I rescue some comic books from a flaming pyre, realize that they are Cyberfrog comics, and toss them back. Singing resumes.)

ME: My ignorance isn’t willful, I just lost track of time

I’m mechanically skillful, like he was in his prime.

CHORUS SWELLS: Lit’ler about Hitler, Lit’ler about Hitler, Litler about Hitler HEY!

EVERYONE NOW: We know lit’ler about Hitler than John Byrne,

History to learn!

And that’s just the opening number!!! Was that offensive? Probably. I don’t know anymore. The important thing is selling tickets.

Alright well, I’d better go and shut up now. Thanks again for reading my diary, and please post hate mail beneath.

Love,